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If you could see me now

"When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or even a picture falls of the wall, it makes a noise. But for your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. You would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some ceremonious sound like a gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from pain.
If there is a noise, it's internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loudly your ears ring and your head aches. It trashes around in your chest like a great white caught in the sea, it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like, a thrashing, trapped, great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that's the thing about love; no one is untouchable. It's as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, it's silent, you're just screaming on the inside and no can hear it."
1.3.09 10:01

I love you, oh Lord, my strength

I'm so thankful for my friends who support me during this hard time. I wrote a letter to a friend (actually she is more a tutor to me) who answered me right away. It really comforted me and I want to share it with you. She told me, that God has a way to allowing things into our life for a purpose, even though we don't know what this purpose is. But we should stick close to the Lord and He will reveal at least His higher intentions to us. There are a lot of things He doesn't answer, but there are greater things which He does. She gave me Psalm 18 on the way (you really should read it), which showed me, that God will never leave me, that He is with me even at this time of struggle and pain and that He will strike for me, against my enemies, because He loves me! While I was reading it, some verses from Isaiah 54 came to my mind: "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In an surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you... Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed." That doesn't stop the pain but it helps me to make the day because I know that God and my friends care for me and that's the best comfort I can get right now!

3.3.09 19:15

Remember Yesterday

Can you tell me why
it seems so hard to carry on
when you hear a voice
from long ago, so bittersweet

Even though I try, I can not
read between the lines
You know I tried
Oh, yes, I tried, what´s wrong

Too late to turn back time
to look over my shoulder
Maybe one day I´ll return again

Remember Yesterday
and think about tomorrow
But you have to live today

Oh, lonely yesterday
Don´t leave me with the sorrow
cause I have to live today

Every morning I awake
to see the newborn day
to carry on the flame
until the end of time

Oh, oh, oh, don´t you step aside
and pretend about the future
Oh, oh, oh, never live a lie
don´t you know tomorrow never comes


12.3.09 19:08

Cavern Beatles

Take a deep breath, close your eyes… and then they are back, you feel the sound, you hear the music… it’s like John, Paul, Ringo and Goerge are truly back. This was the feeling I got yesterday night when I went to a concert of the Cavern Beatles. It was fantastic! The music was great and I really enjoyed their Liverpool accent- I just love it But suddenly it made me think of a time when I was happy. Life wasn’t easy then- it never is- but less complicated. The last years were very unstable and things that seemed fixed got torn apart and left its mark. But there is no turning back, no running away, you have to endure in the now, how difficult that might seem. Looking back gives you comfort for a while, like numbing the pain but it makes it worse when you finally have to feel it. Therefore I close with the words of the Beatles “I'm taking my time for a number of things that weren't important yesterday and I still go. I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in and stops my mind from wandering where it will go. And it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong- I'm right where I belong.” I hope I'm right where I belong.
23.3.09 10:57


Wow, für gewöhnlich steh ich um diese Zeit auf, schon komisch, wenn man dann erst nach Hause kommt...

Mädels, wir haben es verdient, dass es uns gut geht! Damit uns dieser Satz immer wieder bewusst wird, haben wir Freundinnen, die einem aber auch bei anderen Sachen beistehen:

- Du kannst sie Mitten in der Nacht anrufen

- Sie halten dir beim Kotzen die Haare hoch

- Sie hören sich Geschichten auch 100 mal an, wenn es dir dadurch besser geht

- Sie freuen sich mit dir

- Sie sagen dir ehrlich, wenn du scheiße aussiehst

- Umarmen dich, wenn du es brauchst, aber auch einfach so

- "Solidarity sister!"

- ... und haben auch noch ganz viele andere Eigenschaften, die die Liste aber unendlich lang machen würden...

Und ich sag es euch nochmal: "Mädels, ihr seid klasse und wir lassen es uns gut gehen!"

29.3.09 05:37

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